http://her-bug.livejournal.com/
He says "Five minutes ago, she was sitting on my shoulders pointing at cows in Munger's Field."
and his wife responds "And then blinked." He says "Yeah" and then follows up with "Enough with the blinking. No more blinking"
So whenever we have a nostalgic moment. I say to him "Enough of the blinking!" I am having nostalgia days. Mrs. Priss starts school in two weeks. It seems like yesterday we moved in here, and I was wishing this day would come sooner so should could be involved in things. She loves school and friends, and she makes them so easily. So much better than I did. She's amazing and I have been the one to make her that way. New experiences come and she isn't scared at all she's excited. She's the kid that waves bye to you at the door...or says "Mom I don't need you to walk me I can do it!" The last years that's she gone to preschool I was never one of those parents who cried on the first day. I shrugged my shoulders and swore never to be that.
Last night she had her first sleep over at her friends. And it was quiet..to quiet. So quiet I let little man crawl in bed with us. So quiet we slept in passed my alarm til 10:30 am. So quiet I miss her. And I am sure she is gonna come home with great tales any minute...and it's starting to dawn on me how big they are.
Little man may start preschool in October. Mrs. Priss starts Kindergarten this year. Were did the time go? I remember when Little man was so small he laid on my chest and curled up around my breast and fit inbetween them without any work. I remember when Mrs. Priss was cradled in my arms as we danced at 2 am because she had her nights and days confused. I remember when they each took their first step..when they each first called me mama.
I remember Mrs. Priss coming out via c-section and trying to kill me on the way out by grabbing the claps to my veins and refusing to let go. I remember the 7 seconds of waiting for her to take her deep breath as the doctors worked around her. I remember screaming across the hospital room to close me up faster cause I knew in my gut something was wrong.
I remember Little man hooked up to machines and them rushing him out of the room before I could see him. I remember holding my hands under both their chest at night because I was terrified they would stop breathing.
And now almost 6 years for Mrs. Priss and almost 3 for little man and they almost don't need me. The Bee said to me "So you still think you won't cry when she walks into the school room without you." and I turned to him and said 'I hope not, but when little man does it will break my heart." Why? Because it will be end of a era...and though the next one they will need me in different ways. It's just not the same...and I am not depressed or over emotional about it.
But I am a bit forlorn...and I think we should stop the blinking.
Hanah
I am reading this post on my trust fet..and the discussion was on what Master's give up in a relationship...and my best girl came up with some good statements. Here are a few..
"He indulges me on any number of things that aren't of interest or benefit to him, provided that none of those things interrupt or interfere with my ability to serve."
I read this one to The Bee and he was a bit taken back that I felt this way..but I do really. Ms gives up a lot to be with me. Distance, a girl she can touch every moment, who will submit easily, who will trust deeply, who doesn't have baggage..the list is endless...anyway here is what my friend said..
"There are a million and one things I could list that he does that he doesn't HAVE to do. There are a million and one girls out there who have less baggage than I, who could probably serve better/fuck better/live easier/thinner/prettier/better whatever. He sacrifices for me every. single. day. For me, for my kids, for us."
"They haven't come up. Yet. They may or may not. My response is yet to be known. What I know is that so far, when he's wanted something, he's gotten it. Either by force, manipulation, demand or by somehow making me think I wanted it, too. "
"I knew I wanted M/s. I knew I wanted complete and total M/s. I knew that meant (to me) not putting limits on him. So I didn't come to him with a laundry list of limits or with any fucking CLUE what I would or would not do. "
"I still don't know which of those things I'll end up doing or not doing. What I do know is that I don't stand there with my hands on my hips and say No Sirree Bob, I ain't doing THAT and then turn around and call myself a slave. Cuz the two don't mesh in my mind. Y'all can call it what you want but I won't play the word manipulation game with you."
and this is from someone else..and is totally me lately...
"I also have found with Johnny even on the things I have said absolutely no to I have done and done gladly, grudgingly, and/or by force. Still I have done it. I think it is Johnny himself who holds back forcing some things to which I am grateful. I tend to give into him all the while I am screaming heck no and walking to do his bidding."
I think relationships take time to build trust. Especially M/s ones. I think both sacrifice in their own way. I hear a lot from single women, who want to be slaves say things like "he has to prove to me" or "He is lazy". I want to know what exactly does a Master have to do to "prove" to you that you can relinquish control? Doesn't it happen at his will? His timing?
And that makes me think...why I have the trust issues I do...why can't I just give..what am I waiting for the sun to shine on Ms. and the birds to sing?
That's just silly...
Hanah out
So I sit here in the car after she forcefully, physically made me submit and all I can feel is my masochist shaking her cage. That's when I realized in all these months I haven't fed her. From almost the beginning of our play I pushed my limits' enjoyed and got off on the feeding and submitting I have been doing for Ms. Sometimes that meant it hurt like hell through the whole scene. Sometimes only part of the scene. Sometimes I would start to feed her and Ms would corner it off with enjoyment of her needs. Whivh I have taken much pleasure in.
But I'm hungry...and I went to my first party last week without playing. And man did my pussy want to. But I neatly put ms greedy back in her box..and the moment I could smell Ms my little zoomed off with all control...and as the hours went by. Ms took control as she always does. The image that keeps playing in my head is her hand on my throat and me against the wall of her steps, and her voice booming in my ears. And at the time I couldn't decide if I wanted to slap or push her or what? And now omg..now I want more..much more..and the parts of me are fighting over how we should obtain more..more of the stuff we like..more of the forcing..the dragging.the physical fighting..more..more..I need more!!
I see her next Friday and if I am still like this its going to be crazy..maybe ill feed my maschoist early on Friday and be sated for the goings on on sat..wish me luck
Hanah
It went something like this. "Yes Ms I understand you want me to be more serious when you correct me. But if you don't want my explanation than I won't include it." I, of course, left off the because it seems you don't care in the slightest. I fully expected her to say something like. Of course I want your opinion, I want to know everything about you. BOY WAS I LIVING SOME OTHER PLANET OR WHAT? LOL No her response was something like "I think it would be best if you didn't give a explanation for you actions unless I ask for it." And I blinked. What? Wait..you weren't suppose to agree with me. Reverse...go back...start over. Now, as I was saying you want me to explain right, because it sure sounds like you don't want me to explain. And I want to make sure I am understanding what you are saying. *laughs* And then she gives an example. And I said...that's what I said. And then I sat staring at the screen and wanted to say so much more like...
But what I have to say is important...
But you should hear me when I speak and pay attention
But I have a right to have a brain and use it...
But don't you want me to communicate?
I know you don't want me to just agree with you all the time, really that would be boring and doormatish...
I don't think its right that you can say something like "Your response isn't appropriate" and make me shut up. That's not right or fair!!!
It made so mad...because I sat there and couldn't say anything. And than she was so patient. So tender...so caring. Telling me trust her even though I was fuming. Telling me that she hates forcing me and she wants me to do it on my own. That in the end it will be the right thing for me.
*shakes her finger at her* I know what you are doing ya know. You think I will want to talk so bad, that when I am allowed to explain I will try three times as hard to get it right, and learn through removal how to approach you in all situations. Well guess what? I don't like you anymore...
And now I am having conversations in my head. Because I want say things and I can't. And I think she is having fun with it. I think it tickles her pink that my whole body is shifting into little mode without thought. And all I want to do is stomp and pout, and bat at the air. Or fold my arms across my chest and huff.
And no world...she didn't stop there. No No she had up the anty....just as I had a great night and thought at the end of it. I can maybe do this, maybe trust her enough and not pout so hard about it...what does she do? She simply, sweetly, calmly says "I think you should send me a greeting in the morning when you are up and about." What? "Yes it would a good way to start the day." Huh? For who? And in that moment all I saw was me stomping up and down and saying "I don't want to" over and over. Then the conversation started it went something like this...
*pout* I don't want to...
yes you do Hanah you are being childish and silly...
But she is making rules like they are nothing...
No, she is doing what makes you both happy...
No she's not..she needs stop touching me..
she's not touching you...
yes she is..
oh come on now is it really that bad...
yes..
and then I laugh a bit and I say to her as i have this conversation "I'm fine don't worry about it" and in my head I say "fucking silly Hanah." and then she thinks I am having some mind mountain problem with it...When I am not it's just like poking a rattle snack. Let's see how much we can poke Hanah and she'll give. And I'll just keep poking, and sit back and wait. And when she looks around for someone to bite I'll just look up at the sky like I can't see her. YOU KNOW IT'S NOT WORKING I SEE YOU!
I am probably the only person in the history of slavery, consensual that is, who sees what the person is doing and just pouts about it. Maybe tomorrow I'll be crying again I don't know. Right now....I'm pouty.
STOP POKING ME!
Hanah
on a site i am on. Someone discussed disrespect and since it's my big issue right now I read the thread. Here is a list that one of the dominants posted and my thoughts:
The following is what being a slave means to me and what "I FEEL" is proper protocol for a slave, from my view point.
1. A slave is to always put the needs, wants, desires and wishes of her Master above her own. always anticipating without assuming what it is He wishes, wants, needs and desires.
*I never quite understood how you can anticipate without assuming. Aren't they one in the same really?* Ms doesn't like me to anticipate currently so I don't have to worry so much about this one...and that suits me fine.
2. A slave is always open, honest and hides nothing from her Master.
*I agree with this in theory. But man is it harder in reality. I am always honest but being open is not my strong suit. Open means vulnerability and with it trust, which I have very little of in people in general. *
3. A slave is always to do as she is told, when she is told without questioning unless she is not sure what it is that is being asked of her.
*This I can actually do, or I should say I am getting much better at it. The problem comes in when I try to consider The Bee's feelings on the matter and assume he would have a response, and then I voice it without asking which causes a discussion between Ms and I. And then I ask and the bee is like "huh I don't care." *
4. A slave is to take any and all punishments given with dignity and courage, thanking her Master after said punishment is over and telling why she was punished.
*I think I actually do this one to. And quite well. Though I cry and all that comes with it, I do try to learn from any punishment or redirection that occurs.*
5. A slave is to always say, “yes Master or no Master," whichever the case calls for at that particular moment.
*Ms. hates this, so I have been trying to find other ways to say this without making it sound in tone, appearance, body language, or otherwise read on my face that I am emotional about it. I thought the other day I might try *as you wish Ms.* instead of a outright yes...or no. Because then it's different and might clue her into my dislikes. But really it might just piss her off. so who knows.*
6. A slave is to NEVER antagonize her Master.
so antagonize means to be hostile towards. So in that sense I agree you shouldn't be hostile towards your owner.
7. A slave is to NEVER do anything that will make her Master look bad in any way shape or form.
*This I agree with as well, and I seem to be submitting more in this area because Ms. said she got a lot of compliments at the last event we were at together. So plus for me!*
8. A slave is to complete all tasks given on time unless otherwise agreed upon by her and Master.
*I will admit I have been slacking off in this area, some due to work and just being exhausted. Some to putting it off and delaying *thinking ahh I can wait til saturday night for that it's not due til sunday. Than I am to sick or forget because of my load and it doesn't get done or I am up at 1 am sending it*...and some to just unintentionally defiant.
9. A slave is to always obey curfew unless there is an emergency or otherwise agreed upon by her Master and herself.
*Yeah for not having this. I can come and got when I want when I am home so no curfew!*
10. A slave is to always take care of herself by eating properly, getting enough rest, exercising regularly, seeing the doctor and dentist when need be.
*I am getting better at this after next week I will pair my schedule down to four days a week and in a month to three days a week. I am also eating more, even while sick I forced myself to eat. I had lost 5 pounds over the week though...:(*
11. A slave is to make sure her home or that of hers and her Masters is always in a clean and orderly fashion so that they both can find what they are looking for.
*I am organizing this so it becomes more manageable for me and the kids to keep up with. Keep your fingers crossed for me on this!*
12 .A slave is to have dinner ready for her Master when He returns home from a long day at work.
*This I would love to do sometime...being so far apart though that doesn't really happen*
13. A slave is to make sure she is aware of what her Masters favorite drink is and have it ready with His dinner when He gets home.
*I am getting pretty good at this, and Ms. is really having to remind me less so point for that!*
14. A slave is always willing to learn and grow.
*I think I am very open to this and try to be in all cases*
15. A slave is always respectful towards her Master, His friends and family, His co-workers, and any others present or not.
*sigh...and here is my shortfall because what she sees as disrespectful and hurtful isn't to me. And what I see isn't to her. I know some things I say also hurt The Bee especially when I am frustrated and trying to do something and want to be left alone. But in the end none of that matters. What matters is what it means to her..and I hope maybe one day I will hurt her less with this. *
16. A slave will take any and all her problems to her Master, seeking His advice and help knowing that He has her best interests, safety and health at heart.
*I am getting better at this and finding better timings for these things...another point for me*
17. A slave will always tell her Master if she feels another Dom/Domme is disrespecting her limits.
*Again another thing I am working on...*
18. A slave will always speak her mind in a calm, rational and respectful manner.
*I am not really sure what rational is exactly..but I hope to figure it out one day..lol*
19. A slave will keep a daily, weekly, monthly journal as her Master desires and notify Him of any updates, or any reasons for lack of entries in said journal.
*thank heavens I dont have a time limit on when to write here.*
20. A slave will not let her temper get the best of her no matter the situation, because to do so is to be disrespectful towards her Master and makes Him look bad in front of others. It also makes it look like He can’t control His slave.
*I can see this happening and formulating in public. But I don't think being angry at a situation in private makes me any less subservient. Anger is like fear it comes and goes if you don't give it light to grow. So it's best IMO to just ignore these feelings while in private and just concede until the emotion has passed. Of course, Ms. dislikes this idea so it doesn't go over to well most of the time. *
21. A slave will speak up if she is not comfortable at any point of a scene, or if it is a task that she has been assigned and let her Master know why she feels that way.
*This is also something I am improving on and clearly forming boundaries.*
22. A slave will always tell her Master when she has disobeyed a rule, done or said something she knows she was not to do/say or has not finished a task assigned to her.
*I am really good at this, though I don't think I ever really disobey a rule directly. Mostly unintentionally or indirectly*
23. A slave will always behave as befits her station, her Masters slave and nothing more, nothing less.
*what exactly does this mean? This is the question I think about at night..what does a slave mean and what does it mean to me and does it make me happy? I still don't know...*
24. A slave will defend Masters property at any and all costs.
*This is kinda a borderline issue for me depending on what "defending" actually intels...respect and all.
25. The only wants, needs and desires a slave has is to please her Master to the best of her ability, knowing that when she pushes the wrong button she will be punished.
*I am just grateful that I have a patient Ms. and that she sees potential enough in me to keep me around even when I don't please enough of the time.*
26. A slave WILL love, honor, obey, cherish, defend her Master til such time as He releases her or one of them pass away.
*I agree with this once I am their slave. Until then they have to earn the right through trust and action for me to give all those things.*
27. A slave is to make sure that when her Master is not well, that she gives Him the extra tender loving care that only she can give. Make sure He gets enough rest to get better quickly, rubbing His back, getting Him some orange juice and anything else He may require to get better.
*This is another one of those I wish I could do that our distance doesn't allow..maybe one day*
28. A slave will always obey her Masters rules because they are set in place to guide, protect and help her grow as a person and slave.
*This is really hard to remember sometimes..because rules can really seem silly and have no reasoning.*
29. A slave realizes that her Masters rules are not because He does not love her but because He loves her and has her best interests at heart as well as her safety and well being.
*and I hope she does....I know she cares..and that's important*
30. A slave will NEVER touch herself without first getting permission from her Master or if she is with another Master or Mistress she will seek His or Her permission to do so, providing her Master has given Them permission for her to do so.
*Again as long as I am home I am pretty much free game in this area...of course alone I have to play anally. But that's not really a challenge.*
31. A slave will NOT cum without first getting permission from her Master or if she is with another Master or Mistress she will seek His or Her permission to do so, providing her Master has given permission for Their discretion on the matter.
*Again a issue I don't much have at home..and when I am with her all I want is to hear her cum it doesn't really matter if I cum. Most of the time when I get deep into a relationship the climax for me comes less important. Though I consider myself a slut simply because once turned on I can go and go and enjoy it. I don't much need it and don't really crave it if I haven't been touched or offered...and even if I had and I ignore it enough it just goes away. I know some girls it drives them insane to get close and then be refused, that's not much the case for me. If I have been refused enough my body just shuts it off like it never happened, and enough pain that I hate completely tunes the need for it at all out. *
32. A slave will ALWAYS address other Free as Master or Mistress unless she is told otherwise.
*SNORTS! Nope won't be doing that anytime soon unless Ms specifically tells me to call someone that*
33. A slave will NOT invade Masters or another Free person’s personal space without express permission to do so.
*Again this is really silly unless of course it's someone I have been strictly ordered to approach in that manner*
34. A slave will NOT weasle, try to twist said punishment to suit her needs, try to blame her transgressions on others or trying to get out of punishment under any circumstances because to do so is not being a good slave and shows disrespect towards her Master, or another Free she may be with at the time.
* I don't this so another point for me*
35. A slave should not be too hard on herself, for that is her Master's/Jarl's or Mistresses job.
*HAHAHA I have heard a lot of this the last few days..again not something I have accomplished*
As I said this is from my view point on what being a slave means to me and what "I FEEL" is proper protocol for a slave.
*SO this is my opinion on this list*
That is all..
Hanah
And I can see the days filling up with books, family, work, and kids and her slipping from my grasp. The very thought kills me. Maybe I am just emotional. My period did start today after all. And it doesn't help that I have to make a life altering decision about my body over the next week.
*sigh* My new ob suggest I have a laproscopic hysterectomy. The nurse says its not a huge deal. That I will keep my ovaries and cervix and wouldn't have to take pills or anything. But its a part of me. The Bee is very supportive and says its up to me, and I am suppose to have a lengthy talk with the doc on Monday. Both Doc and The Bee kindly remind me that I didn't want anymore kids. HAHA. I don't...but...it's were my babies grew. It's were I felt them kick, were Little man reached out his hand out to touch me when I was scared the most at loosing him. I know somewhere in my head that not having my uterus doesn't make those moments go away. But....it's me...it's inside me..and it would be gone. Empty..and I would never be able to say "well maybe..."
I know that sounds ridiculous right? I have had three wonderful babies. And I am so blessed. And really in 5 years at 37 do I want to have a baby? You know what it boils down to....I don't know...probably not...but if its gone I don't have the option. Not at all and I hate that. I hate not being able to decide to keep the "well maybe.."
And all this makes me emotional turmoil. I want to hear her voice, curl in her lap and have her wrap her arms around me and let me cry...but when I hear it all I can think of is her not being here. Then I can't think of anything else. I try to have general conversations, and they just turn chaotic and stressed. I then I feel like crap and want to just cut the cord so to speak. But then something happens...I see emma or feel her cross or see her picture or a bruise. It's like all that anger and protection crashes and I am reminded how much she means to me. And in that moment I want nothing more then to make things better...
I just wish I knew were to begin...
Hanah
What has me so angry? It's simple she suggested I make this book, which on first glance seems simple enough. But I have to tell The Bee about this kind of thing. So, I non-chalantly express to him. He offers an idea, that on the surface seems simple enough, but as I thought about I knew Ms. would probably not like. So I try to explain his idea, and she gets upset that I am representing her to someway to Robert as her being a ass. Which is totally unfounded. And so then I go back to him after we hang up, and I tell Robert exactly how she wanted me to tell him.
He tells me that he doesn't thinks she's a ass. In fact, doesn't really much care about the book at all. But did I tell her, his idea the way he described because he doesn't understand why she doesn't like it. In his mind, he's offering her a boon. So I sigh because I know it's just gonna cause a fight. And I ask him if I am portray her in all negative, and he says no. But that it's in human natural to complain about people, I know you complain about me to her and really you just have to learn to shrug it off. Just because we have fight doesn't mean it's ending or anything.
So I think alright I'll approach the subject of the book slowly and carefully, and hope it comes out right. So I do, I really think my words. But then I can tell in the way she's saying things that's she's agitated. Saying things like never mind about the book, I don't want it now, it's obviously a problem so just forget it. I want to just slam my head into the wall.
Because I want to do this for her, and I feel like I am not completing something she really wants because The Bee made a suggestion about it. It's like being pulled in two different directions. If I tell him she has this idea that I think is good, he gets defensive and flustered and ignores what I am saying. If I tell her he has this idea about how to make it work for him, she just throws her original idea out the window.
It really makes me not want to tell them anything. And I am tired of it really...
And then she says I am not listening to her. But the truth is she doesn't listen to me. I hear her, I hear you saying you don't want me to do it..cause you don't want it done that way. But I am trying to tell you its just a idea, you don't have to through out the baby with the bathwater. Why does everything have to be so over dramatic. Just say "I don't like that idea, I'd rather you do what I asked you do. But tell the Bee thank you for the idea." and it would have done. Robert would have been like "Sure, cool I don't care either way." and I would remember to make adjust to my habits to fit him and make him happy. But instead I get "No, that idea is not good. It's not my idea, and so forget the whole fucking thing." SRSLY!?
and I am nitpicking..because I choose a word that you don't like..and instead of say simply "I am not angry pet. I am just blah" you have "Show were what i have said points to that I am angry...or that I hate something." SRSLY...you don't like it...hence you hate it..that's what hate means..it means you don't like something. And when I tell you that in my head it means the same...I AM NIT PICKING and not being appropriate. You want me to not do it..then live by example. Stop picking my words apart and overanalyzing them and trying to find places I am trying you hurt you. I AM NOT OUT TO HURT YOU SO STOP LOOKING FOR IT. If you are always looking for errors in my words, for things I say that hurt you then you will always find them. And I will never be able to say things to you that you don't like.
You want me to acknowledge what you say and hear you...try acknowledging what I say..or if you don't do that (because you know I am your trainee and it would just be against the rules to actually make sure you read what I say right instead of just assuming) acknowledge what others say.
Oh and I suppose to write out my rules so here they are...
1) Show respect at all times and use correct tone.
2) Always obey Ms
3) Always communicate
4) Don't run away from situations
5) Set proper boundaries
6) Learn to say no.
7) Write two stories a week
8) Write in Journal on occasion
9) Keep Bathroom organized
10) Write any sort of love related feelings in your love book
11) Don't drink anything but water without asking
12) Make sure I know what I am offering before I offer it.
13) Give Ms. several options of clothing choices when going out to an event.
14) Wash hair every couple of days, condition every day, brush it 54 times before bed
15) Wear cross as much as possible, not at bed time or bath.
16) Let Ms. know if you are going to busy all day, so that she can set-up a time to call or spend time talking.
17) Don't be late
18) Don't share our relationship with others unless you ask.
that's all...there is no more
were the prisoner is his own jailer...
It really stuck for me because my biggest struggle is how to have walls of defense from the outside world, but still let the right people flow in and be a part of me. How to let people in, and express my true self without all the fear and anxiety that I make all on my own. It's one thing to trust someone as your friend or dominant. It's another to let them be "a part" of your world. What I mean by that is showing yourself to them, sharing all your thoughts with them, communicating even the hard parts, putting their needs sometimes before your own. Even if it isn't a dominant relationship you should still think of your friends in a way that would be beneficial to them and what they hear from you.
My hardest lessons come from this prisoner statement. Here are examples:
1) No one will really like me. So I should mold into what I think would please them instead of being myself.
2) I shouldn't really share my opinions, I should ignore my wants, needs, desire in order to make them happy. This way they will stay apart of my life.
3) I shouldn't have boundaries with even my friends, because if I say no they will not like to be my friend anymore.
4) My dominant can read my thoughts, so even when I am in trouble I should think they know what's going on and just roll with it.
5) When I'm in trouble I should put barriers between me and whatever it is that causing the problem. That way I can ignore it and it will go away.
6) (this is the one I held onto for years) Any dominant worth it's salt will put up with my brattiness and force my walls down. If they don't want to they aren't worth my time.
7) When I submit I should submit completely even if I don't trust the person, because if it goes wrong I have my walls to protect me.
8)I should tell everyone, everything I am thinking and be totally honest...because they need to know the truth. And if they don't take it right well I have my walls so I don't feel it anyway.
9) I should never give anyone the key to my walls. The only way in is to force themselves in, and if they get in then I should crash all my defenses and dump all of my emotional issues and insecurities that come with that on them. Hell they created the mess they should fix it.
I am learning that by creating my walls so high, so tall, so impenetrable I have in essence created my own prison. I wondered why I felt alone, abandoned, hurt, confused, lost, scared, and even sometimes frightened. I felt out of control of my own life, and uncertain of my future. The last month I have been lowering, crashing, forcing, exploding, or just plain eliminating walls. Most days I live without any which is quite chaotic at times. Especially when I am overwhelmed with one particular emotion. Now, I have to teach myself to make healthy barriers. One's that are easily climbed over. Ones that have easy access doors, so when I find someone I can trust with that part of me I can let them into my safety.
I am learning that:
1) People really do like me better for who I am, even if sometimes that's me crying and scared.
2) If I communicate my needs to my friends, my dominant, my family, or whoever I am talking to clearly at the right time people listen and understand me. If I take the time to think about my words, though still chaotic in my head, it comes out more understandable. Less half-stories.
3)That it's ok to say no, especially with the people closest to me. Because they have the potential to hurt me the most unintentionally.
4)Even dominants aren't super heros, and that to much communication is always better then not enough communication.
5) I shouldn't ignore my problems. I should find healthy ways to sort through them, finding what to keep and what not. What is real and what is irrational. And fix them the best way possible, or ask for help in fixing them.
6)It's to much to ask a dominant to take down my walls or force their way in. Who the hell wants to deal with the girl on the inside that is all vulnerable, after they have shoved through hard core draining (emotionally and energy and physically) walls. No one wants that, and so I have to find ways to trust and let them down at my own pace. Any dominant worth their salt will be patient and enjoy the progress I make on my own.
7)I should submit only what I can, and should work on submitting more over time as I trust the person. This doesn't mean that my dominant won't push me to submit faster, or in other ways. But I should build the trust slowly and not feel hurried to have it all done now.
8)I should learn timing, and forethought of wording before I approach someone about something that may hurt them. Otherwise they won't hear me.
9)I should not dump my emotional issues on anyone, I should learn how to process them by myself in healthy was. This way I ask for help when I really am in need and not desperately seeking validation.
So the statement "the prisoner is his own jailer" really made me think. How true it is that for years I have made myself my own prisoner and my own jailer. Thinking all along that someone, somewhere would come along and release me. In truth I had the ability to release myself all along. Of course, I had a bit of spotlight help from my Ms. Without her spotlight I might not have ever seen or even thought about these things. I am so much happier for her help in this area, for I know it was difficult to have me in such turmoil over her spotlight.
Thank you for sticking through it with me...
Hanah
It did humble me a bit though to realize how much I was failing her in that area, and how much I do still hold back. I hope to work on this and make an improvement in my thoughts and directions.
Thats all for now.
Hanah
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